Tantrums, Tantrums

Stephanie is two. And with that comes temper tantrums. We went through an awful phase with them a few weeks ago, right around Easter time. At one point Dan suggested we stop letting her have a piece of Easter candy after every meal. His thinking was that she was having too much refined sugar and it was affecting her badly. Lo and behold, his solution worked. With no candy in her system, the temper tantrums dropped down to almost none.

However, this week we have all been a little off. We're tired from Joseph's lack of sleep, and everyone seems to be coming down with a slight spring cold. When we stayed home on Monday and Tuesday, Stephanie spent both days watching TV, cuddling in bed, and reading books, trying to fight her cold.

On Wednesday we finally left the house to go to Storytime. The first few minutes were great. Stephanie loves Miss T. the librarian, she loves the songs and she loves the crafts. But when it was time to sit and listen to the book, she ran off and crawled under one of the tables. I let her go, figuring it was fine, she wasn't bothering anyone and was just sitting there quietly. But then she started slamming the metal bar that attaches the table legs together and it made a loud, echoing sound throughout the whole room. I pulled her out, told her she was being too loud and that she needed to stay out from under the table. She threw a massive tantrum. Instead of trying to diffuse it while Miss T. was reading, I took her by the hand, and we walked out.

And I felt horrible. I felt like every other mom was looking at my as if I were so mean. (Also as if I couldn't control my child. But I didn't care as much about that because I've come to realize that Stephanie is strong-willed and although I can do many things to help prevent or diffuse tantrums, there are times when they are going to occur no matter what.)

As soon as we got in the car I posted on Twitter about how horrible I felt. I received responses immediately from other moms saying that I had done the right thing, and that it was what they too would have done in a similar situation. That made me feel better, and reminded me again why I love social media. The support you receive from other moms is unparalleled, and it's nice to know that there are others out there who won't judge you and who will validate the decisions you make as a mom. We went out to lunch with my parents and sister later that day, and they too agreed that I had done the right thing.

I have definitely learned that there are specific triggers that cause Stephanie's tantrums. Things like too much sugar, being tired, not feeling just right, etc. But the biggest one is being told she can't have what she wants when she wants it or being told she can't do exactly what she wants when she wants to do it. (This is because she's two.)  I've also learned that those are the times when it's important to stand my ground. To teach her that she can't have/do everything she wants immediately, and that it's not ok to respond to that by throwing tantrums.

I didn't yell at her, and when we got in the car she calmed down and we talked about how her behavior was inappropriate and caused her to miss the rest of Storytime. She seemed to understand, and we also discussed why I had pulled her out from under the table in the first place. We talked about how that made her feel, and ways she could have expressed those feelings without throwing a tantrum. When she calms down, she's always able to talk about the situation with me, and although it's a slow process I really believe that she is learning appropriate ways to deal with her feelings of frustration.

Toddlers don't throw tantrums to be manipulative, although it might seem like it at the time. They are exercising their autonomy, trying to learn about their world, and working on understanding why they feel the way they do. If any of you are dealing with tantrums, Katie recently wrote this article for Yahoo! Voices, which contains a lot of valuable tips for dealing with them. I highly recommend it!

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