Sibling Love

*I'm linking up over at Two in Diapers today! Come on over and check out all the stories of Motherhood in this week's edition of the Mommy-Brain Mixer! 

My eyes didn't want to open but I forced them to. I could see the early morning light shining behind the closed blinds. The fan was whirring, and the white noise from the kids' room was coming through the monitor. I didn't hear crying though. What woke me up?

Then I heard it again. A soft whisper, barely audible through the baby monitor. 

"Joseph! Wake up Joseph!"

Then again, a little louder this time. Next was rustling, and a quiet baby squeal. Then bouncing crib springs, and full on baby giggles followed by toddler squeals.

I laid in bed and just listened to them. They laughed and jumped and chatted. Nobody cried, nobody called out for me. They entertained each other. 

As I stretched out and woke up gradually, I found myself smiling from ear to ear. The love that the two of them have for each other is sweet, simple and beautiful. She is his hero, he is her baby. They share an unbreakable bond, and as Joseph grows it gets stronger and stronger. 

I see it throughout the day too, in the little moments. The times she cheers for him as he takes steps. The hugs and kisses she bestows on him for no reason. The way he follows her around, crawling as fast as he can to try and catch up. The way his face lights up and he grins ear-to-ear when she enters the room. 

They are my babies, but they have a relationship separate from me. This relationship will grow and alter as the years go on. They might not always worship each other the way they do now, but for as long as it lasts, I will relish it.

Some people told me I didn't know what I was getting into by having the two of them so close together. They warned me about the challeneges two under two and two in diapers would bring. But nobody mentioned the amazing and positive aspects of having them so close. The fact that they'll never know a life without each other in it. They will grow up together, protecting each other and always having someone to play with and argue with.

I get to watch them as their relationship changes and grows, and that warms my heart and makes me feel like the luckiest mommy in the world. Are they close in age? Yes. Are the day-to-day aspects of that a challenge? Often, yes. Would I change their age difference if I could? Not in a million years! 

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Joseph's 9 Month Letter

Dear Joseph,

Happy 9 Month Birthday!

It amazes me that you have officially been outside as long as you were inside. Wow. Time is flying by, and every day your personality shines through more and more. And boy is it a good one! You're the happiest baby I have ever met. I'll catch you giggling to yourself for no reason. You also laugh at me, you laugh at Daddy, you laugh at Stephanie, you laugh at your toys. And your laughter is contagious! Nobody can stay in a bad mood around you.

This month you truly blossomed. It felt like you turned 8 months old, and from there just kept hitting milestone after milestone. You:

-Started crawling on all fours
-Started crawling FAST!
-Started pulling yourself to standing
-Started letting go while you were standing
-Stopped eating puree food because you much prefer table food
-Started spending every night in your crib
-Got two more teeth
-Started saying "Mama" and "Dada" when you see us
-Started saying "uh-oh"
-Started getting very demanding at meal-times
-Started giving kisses when we kiss you
-Started clapping

First time standing in your crib

Wow. I don't know if it's because you finally sleep now, but it was just an explosion of development this month. I'm sort of reeling from it still. You went from seeming "newborn"ish (ok, you weren't a newborn. But I still thought of you as an itty bitty baby) to being....a bigger baby. A baby who will be a toddler before I know it.

I look at you and watch you grow and am so amazed that we've made it this far. (Seriously, when you weren't sleeping, I wasn't sure if we would make it to the next day. But we always did.)

You are so attached to me, and cry when I leave your sight. (I've taken to making sure you're distracted by something so I can sneak away to the bathroom. If you don't see me leave, your reaction isn't quite as strong.) When someone else is holding you and I walk in the room, your face lights up and you throw your arms out to me. I love our bond. Your sister was attached to me, but not like this. She was much more independent right from the start, so I'm not used to all this attention. And since I know you won't always think of me as the most beloved person in your universe, I take advantage of it whenever I can. I rock you just a little bit longer. I hold you a little more than I need to. I soak up every ounce of baby love!

You bring such joy to our lives, and I can't thank you enough for being such a wonderful baby. I love you a million billion!
Love,
Mommy

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Baby Maya

For all intents and purposes, it wasn't my loss. I didn't carry the beautiful little angel for 8 months, I didn't painstakingly prepare a gorgeous nursery, I didn't deliver her and hear the horrible, devasting, life-changing news that she wouldn't make it. I can't even begin to imagine or try to put into words what that experience must have been like.

But I do know how much I loved that precious angel. How much I dreamed about her playing together with my children, growing up as cousins. Because even though her mommy isn't technically my sister, she is. We grew up together, we've been best friends for over 12 years. Maya was my niece. 

And so I grieve. I grieve for the loss of this precious life, ripped too soon from our world. And I grieve for my friend. Seeing her pain causes me pain. Watching this woman that I love so much experience such a great devastation causes actual physical pain. My heart aches for her, and I feel powerless to help. All I want to do is wipe all of the heartache away, but I know that isn't possible.

All I can do is sit there with her. Talk with her. Listen to her. Cry with her. Laugh with her. Hug her tight.

She's so strong, and I am in awe of the way she's handled her grief. The way she can get through each day, and begin the next. How she can look ahead to a brighter future and know that, while she will always remember and love her angel baby, life will go on. She will go on. She will live on.

In three days, it will have been one month since Maya died. I ask all of you, my readers, to continue to send your good thoughts, well wishes and prayers to my dear friend, her husband, and their little angel. And if you have kids of your own, give them an extra tight squeeze. Play with them a little more, listen to them for a few extra minutes. Read one more story, kiss them one more time. Tell them how much you love them, over and over again. Life is precious, and the children in our lives are little miracles that we should never take for granted. 

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Joseph's 8 Month Letter

Dear Joseph,

                                                      Happy 8 Month Birthday!

 Ok, so it was actually almost 2 weeks ago that you turned 8 months, but we've had a lot going on and I hope you'll forgive me for being late with your letter.

This month your personality has really shone through. You love to smile at everyone, but when you meet someone you've never met or don't see regularly you bury your head in my shoulder and peek out bashfully. You crawl all over our apartment on your tummy, which seems like so much more work than crawling on all fours!

I took you on your first trip to the sea-wall to see the ocean this month. You loved it! Now that you sit forward facing in the stroller you can see everything when we go on walks, and you get such a kick out of watching the world around you.

You still love to eat, and have just started on real table food. You have cheerios every morning, and have tried blueberries, strawberries, avocado and watermelon. You gobble up everything we give you, and demand more. I'm so glad to see you're turning into an awesome eater, just like your sister.

I think the most amazing news from this month is that you finally, finally FINALLY sleep! We put you to bed between 7 & 8 and you only wake up once, maybe twice during the night. All you need is a quick pacifier pop-in, and you're right back to sleep. I can't thank you enough for this gift. I feel like a functioning member of society again, and the cloud of sleeplessness that has hung over our house for 7 months has finally disappeared. 

You love your big sister so much, and follow her wherever she goes. You also love to try and hold her hand or touch her arm while the two of you are riding together in the double stroller. (She, on the other hand, is not so thrilled with this, and has a habit of letting you know her displeasure. Loudly.) I love watching the interaction between the two of you, even if it isn't always a pleasant experience. The two of you are siblings, and that little bit of fighting is peppered in with the love that you two have with each other. Stephanie gives you hugs and kisses and will you toys or your pacifier when you're upset. Watching the two of you together makes me so happy.

Thank you for another wonderful month of being your mommy. Time is going so fast, and every day you grow and learn at a rapid pace. I get such joy out of spending my days with you, and your hugs and cuddles make everything better at the end of a long, hard day. I love you so much little one.

Love,
Mommy

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Wordless Wednesday: 6 Months

Stephanie at 6 months old and Joseph at 6 months old. 

What do you think...do they look alike?

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Saturday's Top 5 Laughs

This week's Top 5 Laughs is a little late, but I finally got it written! Here are 5 things that made me smile this week.

1. Stephanie has become a little negotiator. She has started asking for "Just oneeeee more book" (drawing the syllable out like that) before bedtime. Of course, she asks for just one more after every book we read. She also waves her hand in front of me emphatically and says "Just 5 more minutes!" when she doesn't want to leave somewhere. It cracks me up, because if she's already asking for all of this and she's just two, I can only imagine the things she will try to negotiate for as she gets older!

2. I took a video this week of Joseph giggling while I tickle him, and Stephanie loves it. She asks to see "the JoJo laughing video" on my phone, and it kept her entertained and amused while I made dinner for her and I on Thursday. Every time she watched it she shrieked in delight, like she'd never seen it before. And every time she re-started it, she would run in to me and say "Look Mommy, Baby Jo-Jo ticklish!"

3. Yesterday we decided that since we were home all day with no plans, we would start the potty training process with Stephanie. Every time she had a successful trip to the potty she would run out of the bathroom to tell Joseph the she did pee-pee. It was so adorable that he was the first person she wanted to tell her exciting news to.

4. We went on a lunch and shopping trip with one of my friends and her 6 month old daughter on Friday. When it was time to feed Joseph, we sat on a bench in the mall facing the Easter Bunny. (Who Stephanie went to see last weekend, and refused to smile at or talk to.) The entire time I was feeding the baby, she was yelling "Hi Easter Bunny, Hi Easter Bunny!" at the top of lungs, and waving at him. It was a slow day for him, so he waved back to her and even played peek-a-boo a few times. I was slightly embarressed about the fact that my daughter was screaming hello as loud as she could in the middle of the mall, but it was also really funny. We got a lot of looks and smiles from people walking by.

5. This morning, Dan gave Stephanie a high five for going on the potty. She decided Joseph needed a high five too, so she spent about 10 minutes giving him high fives and giggling because he kept his fingers closed in a fist. Then she switched to fist bumps, and then gave him lots of hugs and kisses. All four of us were laughing at this spontaneous show of sibling love.

*I'm linking up with The MommyHood Chronicles for the Saturday Top 5 Laughs Blog Hop again this week :)

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Things My Children Have Taught Me

Unconditional love

How to survive on little to no sleep

To appreciate the small things

That not having the right book, food, toy or sippy cup can be a horrible travesty

That a smile from a baby can make even the worst day seem like the best one

Snacks are imperative if any shopping is going to get done

Cuddling up with a sleeping child can make any troubles disappear

If there's a puddle, it's made for jumping, and if there's a rock, it needs to be picked up and examined

Grass stains are a fact of life

Scrubbing explosive poop out of baby clothes isn't fun, no matter how many (many, many, many) times you do it

How amazing and wonderful it is to watch a young child struggle to accomplish something, and then finally get it and feel so proud

The toys you think you kids will love? They will gather dust

Those same toys will become magical and amazing if they are at someone else's house

It's ok to let kids indulge in a little TV (Super Why taught Stephanie her letters)

When you read Pinkalicious over and over and over again, you start to actually like it

And the #1 thing my children have taught me is this:

           When you become a mother, the world seems to shrink down and consist only of the tiny bundle placed in your arms. Nothing else matters as much as this miracle you have been blessed with. And as much as you try, the love that you have for your child can never be explained or measured or compared to anything else.

*Today I linked up with Mama Kat's Writers Workshop. The prompt was Things Your Child Can Teach You

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Five Sweet Mommy Moments

1. Whenever I hold Joseph, he clutches my shirt in his tiny baby fist. It's as if he's holding onto me, making sure I don't put him down. Makes my heart melt every time.

2. Every night at bedtime, Stephanie asks me to lie down with her. We cuddle together (the only time she'll let me cuddle her) and talk about our day. She has an amazing ability to recall everything we've done that day, from the places we went to the food we ate. Right before I kiss her and climb out, I ask her how much I love her and she says "A million billion!" I've always told her I love her a million billion, and I love that she knows it by heart now.

3. If someone else is holding Joseph and he wants to get to me, he throws his entire body in my direction. He doesn't have the ability to put his arms out yet, but he knows that if lunges towards me, I will scoop him out of the other person's arms and cuddle him close. As a mom, there's nothing quite like knowing that your child prefers you to everyone else in the world.

4. Dan and I always make a point to give each other a hug and kiss before he leaves for work in the mornings. No matter where Stephanie is in our apartment, she hurtles herself towards us the second she sees the hug, yelling "Stephanie hug too!" We pick her up and form a little hug circle, and it's a wonderful, calming way to begin our day.

5. Joseph started rolling over this week, and as I watch him maneuver his little body, a bittersweet pride washes over me. I'm so happy that he's reached this milestone, but at the same time I can't believe he's already old enough to roll. (Yes, it's a cliche, but as I've said before, time just goes too quickly!) He is now fully adept at going from back to tummy, but he can't quite figure out how to maneuver himself back the other way. He's trying though!

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Always With Me

I left my babies at home with Dan yesterday while I went outlet shopping with one of my dearest friends. I was gone for six hours, and it was the longest stretch of time I've been away from them since Joseph was born. Leaving them was harder than I expected, and I not so eloquently handled it by asking Dan about three million times whether he was sure he could handle them both. (Turns out he can...)

As I got in the car and pulled away, I felt like I was leaving part of me behind. (I know, dramatic, right?) I've left Stephanie before, and for some reason it has never been as hard as this. I think it might be because Joseph has been attached to me for the past 2.8 months, more so than his sister was. When she was born, Dan did the majority of the baby care for the first few weeks, since I had such a hard time with my recovery. And whenever we were around family, she was passed back and forth between everyone, leaving me to eat, drink a glass of wine, and just generally enjoy having two hands to myself. But now that Joseph has arrived, he is usually in my arms while other people play with and entertain Stephanie. So having empty arms for six hours was a new experience for me. I also found myself acutely missing my adorable little toddler, who has been my sidekick for almost two years now.

Every stoplight I hit, I heard Stephanie's voice in my head saying "Ride, Ride!" (She hates when the car stops.) On the way home in the dark, I noticed each and every house that still has it's Christmas lights up, and (in my head, although a few times I almost spoke out loud) I would say "Lights, Mommy's side!" During the actual shopping, which was supposed to be about buying for myself, I couldn't help but purchase more clothes for the little ones. In my defense, Gymboree had a fabulous sale, and I stocked up on stuff for both of them for next winter. In a surprising twist on the missing them front, I actually found myself being glad that they weren't with me when I saw all the mom's struggling with their strollers. Trying to get those monstrous metal things through store doors is a challenge. It was also amazing to be able to chat and browse without stopping every 5 seconds to say "put your feet/arms back in the stroller, here's your water that you just threw for the 3 millionth time, eat your snack, we're almost done, we'll keep moving in a minute..." You know, all the lovely things that you have to deal with while shopping with a toddler. And, I didn't have to worry about planning our trip around baby feedings, or stopping every five feet to pop a pacifier in the crying baby's mouth, or strapping him in the Ergo when he got sick of the stroller. What a luxury!

When I finally got home, the house was calm. Joseph was sleeping in Dan's arms, and Stephanie was at the table eating a snack. (Right before dinner, but whatever. It was late, and she gets cranky when she's hungry.)  The house was actually neater than when its me home with kids all day, and he had even managed to fold and put away a load of laundry. I was (and still am) extremely impressed with and proud of my wonderful husband for taking such good care of our little family while I went out and took some much needed time for myself. It was a fantastic reminder of the fact that my family is always with me wherever I go, and it's ok (and necessary) for us all to have some time apart. I'm looking forward to the next trip! Who wants to join me?

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1 Month

Dear Baby Joseph,
Yesterday you turned 1 month old. When I realized what day it was, I literally stopped in my tracks and took a minute to stare at you. 1 month already?? How did that happen? I feel like just yesterday you were still in my belly and seemed so cozy and content in there that I felt for sure you would never make your grand debut. But now a full month has gone by, and while I can't even remember what life was like without you, i'm in awe and wonderment at where the time has gone.

In such a short span of time, you have come so far, and we have made so many amazing memories. You're awake and alert so much more now, and you seem to be aware of the difference between night and day. You don't sleep through the night, but we've pretty much gotten your feedings down to only twice...1am and 4am. Which isn't too bad. I secretly love those quiet feeding times in the middle of the night, when your sister isn't jumping around and yelling at me to get her milk or a snack, and trying to climb into the rocker to rock with us while you eat. It's just you, me, and an episode of Friends on TV. Usually your eyes are closed the whole time, and you just drink, burp, and go right back to sleep. Those times are so precious to me, because I know how quickly they will be gone.

You also recently started putting yourself to sleep at bedtime, without needing to be rocked. After your 8pm bottle, we cuddle for a few minutes, and when you start to seem drowsy, I put you in your bassinet and you drift off to dreamland all by yourself. You might not understand this, but let me tell you...that ability is HUGE! It took forever for us to get Stephanie to fall asleep on her own, mostly because we would just rock and rock her, well past the point where she was in a deep sleep. After a while, she came to expect that she needed to rock in order to fall asleep. And as much as I adore rocking and cuddling with you, I know it's in your  best interest to start this process early, and so far it seems to be working. (Although last night, you fell asleep halfway through your 8:00 bottle, and were sound asleep when I put you in the bassinet. But, I guess every night can't be perfect, and you ended up sleeping until 2am this morning!)

Some of my favorite times with you are when I put you on my bed to stretch out, and you stare up at me with those wide, blue eyes and make your little owl face. You are so intent on staring at my face, it's as if you're memorizing every piece of it. I know what that's like, because i'm doing the same thing as I stare at you.

You also smiled at me for the first time last week. I was chatting away to you as you stared at me, and out of nowhere this tiny, fleeting grin flashed across your face. It filled my heart with such love and adoration, and brought tears to my eyes. Your first precious smile, and you gave it to me, your Mommy. I can't tell you how  loved that made me feel. Because I know you do love me, so much. When you're crying, all I have to do is pick you up, and you snuggle right into my neck and immediately settle down. And for all the love that you have for me, I have a million times that for you. Every single day I love you more, even when I think it's impossible that I could. You light up my life, and always make me smile. This past month has been so wonderful, and I know that as each month continues to pass and you continue to grow and develop, it will get even better. I can't wait to see what memories we make this month.

Always remember that no matter where you are, or what you're doing, I will be somewhere loving you with all my heart and soul. You are the most amazing baby boy, and I will never fully be able to express to you the joy that you have brought to my life. I love you a million billion!
Love,
Mommy

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Pregnancy Highlights

My pregnancy is officially coming to an end. If Joseph hasn't arrived by tomorrow night, I head to the hospital to begin the induction process. Even though I've been hoping and waiting to go into labor, it hasn't felt completely real until now. (Probably because there is an absolute end date in sight right now.)  

I was thrilled to get pregnant again. I adored being pregnant with Stephanie, and couldn't wait to experience the process all over again. While pregnant with her, I completely enjoyed watching my belly grow, taking pictures, picking out cute maternity clothes, buying itty bitty baby clothes, and dreaming about our growing family. It was never an option for us to only have one child, so when Stephanie was 10.5 months old, and we started discussing expanding our family, I was more than ready. I never expected it to happen so soon (Stephanie took 7 months to conceive), and I never expected the pregnancy to go so fast. The process was entirely different this time around, some parts better and some parts worse. And even though I didn't get to keep a pregnancy journal this time, I have been using my blog as a way to commemorate and remember this special time. Now, with it being so close to the end, I felt like today was a great day to kind of wrap things up by highlighting the best parts.

-Knowing I was pregnant before taking the test. 

     Even though I thought it would take a long time for me to get pregnant again, I somehow knew, almost the minute I conceived, that I was in fact pregnant. A peace and happiness settled over me, and deep in my heart I knew that there was a tiny life starting to form, even though my mind was saying "no way, it took 7 months with Stephanie. You could not have gotten pregnant on the first try this time." Yet, when I took the test and saw the bright plus sign, I wasn't in the least bit surprised. 

-How we told our family and friends.

     I got the positive pregnancy test result on January 31st. Stephanie's birthday party was scheduled for February 12th, and all of our closest friends and family were going to be there. It was the perfect time to announce it to everyone, in person. We wrapped up a big sister shirt for Stephanie, and gave it to her as her final present. It was such an amazing thing to watch everyone's reactions when we held up that shirt, and to see how excited they all were for us.

-Teaching Stephanie that there was a baby in Mommy's Belly

     I can't really remember when we first started talking about the baby, and telling Stephanie that he/she was in my tummy. But for as long as I can remember, she's known, and it is adorable to watch her rub my tummy, kiss her brother, and talk about him. (When we ask her who loves her, she says "Mommy, Daddy, Joe-Joe.") Now, whenever the name Joseph comes up in any conversation, she runs over to give my belly a quick rub. I know it will be a big shock for her when he is actually here, and not inside of me, but in the meantime, watching her grow to love my expanding belly has been such a miracle for us. 

-Finding out that it was a boy!

     I actually thought I was having a girl. (Part of that may have just been me wanting a chance to re-use all of the adorable baby girl clothes that Stephanie outgrew way too fast.) But when the ultrasound technician showed us that he was, without doubt, a little boy, I was overjoyed. I couldn't wait to start buying little boy clothes, and I was thrilled that my husband would have a chance to form a father/son bond with Joseph, much the way I have the mother/daughter bond with Stephanie.

-Being much more active

      During my pregnancy with Stephanie, I stopped working at 13 weeks, and developed high blood pressure. That meant I needed to slow down my activity level. I was hardly active at all, and that was one of the reason I gained 45 lbs. I only gained 30 this time, and my energy level has been higher, since i'm much busier. I've been told that should help with the labor and delivery too, which i'm hopeful for. Being so active also made the past 9 months (except for these past few weeks), go by so fast. 

-Bonding with my son

     I never once doubted that I would love my second baby as much as my first. I have always believed in a mother's ability to love every child that God sends to her, and am so excited to cuddle and love this baby when he comes out. What I wasn't expecting was the enormous bond I would feel for him already. I obviously felt bonded to Stephanie while she was inside of me, and loved her from the minute I found out she was on her way. But I spent a great deal of that pregnancy nervous and anxious about labor, delivery, and being a first-time mom. This time around, i'm confident in my body's ability to birth this baby. I also know that, while I am far, far from perfect, being a mom is the most amazing job in the world, and I know I can do a good job raising my children. Those factors have eased a lot of the anxiety that I felt before, and have allowed me to focus more of my mental energy on the bonding aspect of growing a child. 

There are many more things about this pregnancy that I have loved (and plenty of others that have been irksome...a post for another time!) However, I feel like these six do a pretty good job of summing up why I've loved this pregnancy. For anyone that has read along right from the beginning, thank you, and I can't wait to share the news of Joseph's arrival with you. If you're someone who only recently started reading, or who only reads once in a while, thank you for checking the blog out. I hope you'll come back again, and I appreciate everyone who takes the time to check out my ramblings. The next time I post, I will officially be a Mommy of Two under Two! 

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