Saturday, July 9, 2011

Feeling pregnant

I havn't posted in over a week, and the only "excuse" I have is that i'm tired. That's all, just plain and simple, tired.

Over the course of the last two weeks or so, my body is announcing itself to me, saying "hello, you're pregnant." I feel it so much more than I have before. I feel big, heavy, and just...pregnant. It's a hard feeling to describe, but it's making me slow down, which I know is actually a good thing. But knowing and accepting are two different things.

I think the biggest problem with this tired, pregnant feeling is that it's taking away from the things that I so desperately wanted to accomplish. One of which is blogging by-weekly, a goal I set for myself and honestly thought was very do-able.

I've also slowed down on the cleaning schedule that I was so gung-ho about. I'm still sticking to it, but i'll put things off here and there, and do them another day. Or once in a while, just skip something completely. Which is fine, i'm not beating myself up over it. I just wanted to be "super wife/mommy" and get it all done with a big smile on my face. But the past week I just couldn't do that. And truthfully, it disappoints me that I can't keep up with it all.

I've also been slacking off in terms of being the preschool teacher/mommy I was attempting to be for Stephanie. You know, the one who schedules play-dates every week, goes to the playground almost daily, sets up water play outside several times a week, and plans crafts or educational games every day. Nope, hasn't been happening. We've been watching lots of Baby Einstein though...does that count?

I just hate feeling like this. I hate the lethargy, the lack of energy, the lack of desire to actually DO anything. I hate feeling disappointed in myself. Because I know i'm the only one who thinks i've been slacking. My mom tells me over and over again that I do too much and I need to slow down. Dan is happy with whatever I can accomplish, and never makes me feel like I should be doing more. Stephanie is just as happy banging some tupperware around, and doesn't realize she isn't being constantly stimulated. It's all me that's doing the judging.

I know that i'm pregnant, and that it's July, and HOT, humid, and muggy. So i'm trying to cut myself some slack. But i'm my biggest critic, and constantly beat myself up mentally for all these "wrong-doings." I'm hoping that by getting it all out in this blog post, i'll be able to relax about things a little, accept what I can do, and let go of the things that I can't. Here's hoping!

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